8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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