if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize