just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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