Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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