I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
