just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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