tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
please come you make the beer taste better
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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