I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
