dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Randomize
