we're chasing vodka with high fives
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
