Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
