grandma shit on top of the toilet
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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