The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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