11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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