Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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