sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize