Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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