upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
