All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize