Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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