I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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