it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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