Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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