Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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