I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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