I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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