I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
