So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
