Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize