My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
