Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
