The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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