i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
