No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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