i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Randomize
