but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
