SEEEEXXX PLEASE
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
