at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
The ass gains better be worth it
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