The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
