Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
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