When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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