I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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