do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
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