I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
