had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
