Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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