I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
