cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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