It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
