I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Randomize
