She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Randomize
