I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
