Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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