Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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