it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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