if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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