i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
