the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
